These are my last few days at the ministry I birthed, nurtured and grew over the past 17 years. Actually I should say that the ministry birthed, nurtured and grew ME over the past 17 years. I am a changed person because of all of the experiences and beautiful people that have shaped my life. I went home to the South Bronx thinking I would save people, but the reality is that they saved me. ME. That is who I struggle with at this moment. While I loved my work, I have somehow lost MYSELF in it. I find myself feeling like there is no ground under me. What do I stand on? Who am I outside of all of this that has so defined me for so long? I keep asking God to reveal that next great thing I am supposed to do with my life...God keeps pointing back to me. I keep reminding Him of all there is to do and how much I can give...and God just keeps pointing back to me. I must spend some time with ME...Now that's a scary thought. Give me any other mission God, I'll gladly save the planet but not that. So here I am riding the tears and waves of emotion. I ride this wave of grief that keeps washing me back on the shore of MYSELF...what a vast and unfamiliar place I have become.
I was in Minnesota recently speaking at a lovely church. While there I was blessed to spend a day of "grace" with an extraordinary soul and spiritual director named Julie Nerras. Julie gave me many gifts on that day. This poem is one I particularly love..
Love after Love
The time will come when with elation
You will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome and say,
sit here, EAT
You will love again the stranger who was yourself
Give wine, Give bread, Give back
Your heart to itself
To the stranger who has loved you all your life
Who you ignored for another
Who knows you by heart
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf
The photographs, the desperate notes
Peel away your own image from the mirror
Sit, feast on your life.
Maybe why God is pointing to you is because your greatest ministry will be being with your family and giving them the example that you so seek. Maybe your time to settle down is now to watch your children become the kind of people you strive so brilliantly to become. BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. Maybe this is your Be Still time. I'll pray for you. Life is fleeting and things and people come and go before your ready. Don't let it be too late, take the time to smell the flowers, sit and watch sunsets and share the gift of family. I love you. Lee
ReplyDeleteMy friend , Midlife , as i am coming to see, is the great "rebirth" of the self. As infants we are first born to our parents.They love and grow us as their own.Then as young adults we are schooled, educated sent out and born to 'society', to serve and find our way. I believe the mandate of midlife has been to finally be unafraid to be the person and all of the things that God has so carefully put together in Alexie.
ReplyDeleteYes, Mourn the passing of Alexie the director, the saver, the tireless social servant and all of the ways that you have been defined. CRY,and fully FEEL the grief of that loss...LET those waves push you and toss you around until you are ready to sit calmly on the shore and watch that part of your drift to a tiny dot on the horizon...It may seem very lonely and 'boring at times but stay with it ..push through this 'rebirth'.....And then quietly Rejoice and give thanks for this new time that you have been gifted.Give thanks and praise for prayers answered and as Lisa said for your "be still time".
I have found that it is astounding how i have gone through much of my life 'avoiding myself'...I promise you That vast and unfamiliar place that you speak of will surely become the place you love the most..Turn to yourself, be with yourself...In that very spot, your children will grow, your marriage will deepen and your home will flourish.I will keep you in my deepest prayers during this profound time. All my love. L
Dear sister Alexie - I was reading a few of my old blogs from 2010 and saw some of your sweet notes of prayer and encouragement. Thank you for those! I was in such a very dark place that summer, and it' insightful to read how I was processing my grief. Your righting here is full of life and encouragement, and I think maybe God is calling you to the specific spiritual ministry of being...YOU. I trust that he has filled the days and hours of your life with rich family time, growing, and deep joy. It you're still checking these notes and find me lurking here, just know that I'd like to chat with you anytime! You can still find me blogging away at contemplativejourney.blogspot.com I'm committed to blog the daily reading through Lent, and see if God will show a new insight for how to hear his voice! I still believe he may be calling me to write more extensively, but in the meantime, I try to be faithful this little unknown blog! Blessings to you!
ReplyDelete