A Princess Tea

Gracie turned 5 today. When I asked her what theme she wanted for her party, she said she wanted a princess tea party. Well that is right up my alley, so we spent the last month scouring thrift shops and garage sales to find just the right tea pots, tea cups, china, linens and accessories for her special day. We also scored the perfect princess dress for $1 at a yard sale. We had a wonderful time, just Gracie and her 5 best girlfriends.

A lovely setting in our backyard.

Yummy Treats.

Girlfriends

Patrick joined the party despite Gracie's "No Smelly Boys" rule. He was very sweet and helpful pushing his sister's friends on the swing.

Her Happy Dance

Remember how great it felt to fly?

Happy Birthday my sweet girl!!


Don't grow up too fast.

Have you seen this woman??

These are my last few days at the ministry I birthed, nurtured and grew over the past 17 years. Actually I should say that the ministry birthed, nurtured and grew ME over the past 17 years. I am a changed person because of all of the experiences and beautiful people that have shaped my life. I went home to the South Bronx thinking I would save people, but the reality is that they saved me. ME. That is who I struggle with at this moment. While I loved my work, I have somehow lost MYSELF in it. I find myself feeling like there is no ground under me. What do I stand on? Who am I outside of all of this that has so defined me for so long? I keep asking God to reveal that next great thing I am supposed to do with my life...God keeps pointing back to me. I keep reminding Him of all there is to do and how much I can give...and God just keeps pointing back to me. I must spend some time with ME...Now that's a scary thought. Give me any other mission God, I'll gladly save the planet but not that. So here I am riding the tears and waves of emotion. I ride this wave of grief that keeps washing me back on the shore of MYSELF...what a vast and unfamiliar place I have become.
I was in Minnesota recently speaking at a lovely church. While there I was blessed to spend a day of "grace" with an extraordinary soul and spiritual director named Julie Nerras. Julie gave me many gifts on that day. This poem is one I particularly love..

Love after Love

The time will come when with elation
You will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome and say,
sit here, EAT
You will love again the stranger who was yourself
Give wine, Give bread, Give back
Your heart to itself
To the stranger who has loved you all your life
Who you ignored for another
Who knows you by heart
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf
The photographs, the desperate notes
Peel away your own image from the mirror
Sit, feast on your life.

Look Who's a Big Girl

We are celebrating many wonderful graduations this spring. The children of my dearest sisters are all grown up. Matthew F. is going to high school and Joshua, Matthew T. and E.J. are headed to college...and me...well I got a later start and today my BIG girl Gracie graduated from pre-school. My heart was full of pride and my eyes were filled with tears...what on EARTH will I do when she goes to college.

She was voted Miss Enchanted and Most Carefree
Enchanted and Carefree...Those are fabulous qualities don't you agree?



Here she is with her mom...voted Miss Anxiety and Most Stressed Out!!
When I grow up I want to be more like Grace.



Gracie says the most important thing she learned in pre-school was about poison...okay important stuff.
Her favorite pre-school toys were the "bouncy" things...she is Patrick's sister after all,
and she is sure she wants to be a nurse when she grows up.


Her first best friend Morgan. I have wonderful BFF's for 30 years.
May she be as blessed!!

May she always be as happy as she was eating her watermelon ice cream at Friendly's today.
May she grow up to be as wonderful as all of her grown up cousins who are also graduating.
Look out world...Here she comes!!

Catching up - 15 posts in 1

Life has been just crazy the last 8 weeks and I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. I am plagued by perfectionism and if I can't do something well and consistently I would rather not do it at all. I know this is terrible but true and one of those things midlife is asking me to examine and do something about. Normally, I would just quit blogging because I would feel too overwhelmed to catch up. I started many a diary when I was a kid but if I missed too many days and did not write, I would just give up because I felt I could never catch up. My room was filled with many incomplete journals (still is) because, of course, when I got motivated to write again I had to start with a fresh new journal. So in the spirit of giving myself a break and not quitting, I give you (in no particular order) the top 15 things I wish I had blogged about over the past 2 months ...

1. Celebrated John's 43rd birthday

2. Found these 2 pink marble tables for $30 each. Refinished and LOVE them.

3. Made this garden chandelier for my friend Terry.
Loved doing it. So much fun to be creative.

4. Completed the biannual winter to summer clothes switch for me, the kids and John. Sorted what no longer fit and what we did not wear and planned my first yard sale.

5. Planted flower boxes and hanging plants outside the house and decks. Planted some annuals and am beginning to plan a perennial garden.
Did I mention this is my first spring in my first home!!

6. Slip covered my chaise with my mom.

7. Celebrated my dad's 71st birthday. Gave him a sign that reads "I'd worry about getting older but I'm just so darn sexy" This is his "I'm sexy" pose!!

8. Cried as an ambulance took him away just a few days later. Visited him a week in the hospital while he recuperated from having his gall bladder removed.
Thank God all is well again.

9. Planned Gracie's 5th birthday Princess Tea Party (more to come)

10. Caught Gracie playing and taking a nap in her doll house. Notice her head in the dollhouse bedroom, her bed is a laundry basket and gotta love the eye mask on her head!
I just want to eat her up she is so delicious!!

11. Traveled for work to New Mexico, Los Angeles, Minnesota, Philadelphia, Princeton, Washington, DC twice (am here again now) and next week to Detroit.
I am not loving hotel rooms!!

12. Treated myself to a one day retreat at the Center for Action and Contemplation in Albuquerque. I spent time in their meditation garden and walked a labyrinth for the first time. The place is called "Stillpoint" to remind us that in our crazy and busy world, God is always the still point. Just lovely .

13. Became a published author. I wrote chapter two of this book. Check out www.whatwesee.org for more info and reviews.

14. Hosted a Mother's Day Celebration for my girlfriends and their moms. Much fun!!

15. Tried my best to be a good mom, daughter, sister, wife, executive director, writer, public speaker and friend all while practicing being kind to MYSELF and growing and learning at perimenopausal midlife.
Have surely failed some but these are the things I will never give up on!!

Christ crucified showed up at my door

I jumped out of bed when the phone rang at 7:00am on Good Friday morning. It was my friend and colleague Juan Carlos calling with an urgent message. He was at our offices at Youth Ministries for Peace and Justice with our beloved friend and sister and her 5 children. They had been forced to flee their home at 3:00 in the morning. Their father had been arrested earlier that day on charges of domestic violence. Later that evening, unbeknown to our friend, he was released and was attempting to gain access to their apartment through the first floor window. Crawling on their hands and knees, the children gathered what they could throw in garbage bags and ran out to a waiting cab that their mom had called. They sped off and met Juan Carlos at our offices where tired and terrified they spent the last few hours of that night asleep on our office floor. As John got into the car to pick them up and bring them here, Juan Carlos mentioned that he had a commitment to walk the Way of the Cross in Manhattan later that morning. I said to him, "how hard is the Way that our sister and her family have been forced to walk, like their own long crucifixion". Juan Carlos replied, "yes...and soon Christ crucified himself will be knocking at your door". He arrived just a little while later....

He arrived at my door on that Good Friday

eyes swollen from a night of weeping...
heart racing from fear and terror...
longing for His father...
hanging with little more than the clothes on His back...
cursed, feared, judged and unwanted
a stranger..."illegal"
an immigrant...

Yesterday, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed some of the toughest immigration law in the country. Legislation that would directly and negatively impact people like my friend and her family. I know I open up a pandora's box of public opinion with this one and that is really not my intention. This is what is in my heart...It is easy to get sentimental about the cross on Good Friday...to get emotional as we venerate and kiss it at the evening service...to weep as we sing "Behold, behold the wood of the cross, on which is hung our salvation.." But I know this. The God of this universe does not exist within the constraints of time. Therefore, the crucifixion happens continually, every moment of every day. Every day Christ is crucified in the poor, in the suffering, in the marginalized. It may be easy to make assumptions about why people suffer, to determine what they should or should not have done, to prescribe what they could or could not have done to be in the situation that they are in. But when Christ crucified shows up at my door, on my corner, in my community this is my prayer. That I may have eyes to SEE Him that are not clouded by fear or judgment and that I may have a heart only to LOVE and SERVE Him...this is the true veneration of the cross.

Signs of His Presence

"You have made known to me the path of life;

you fill me with joy in your presence" Psalm 16:11

Trusting God, trusting myself and trusting that I am doing the right thing can be very difficult. I wish it were easier but it's not. So I often find myself asking God for signs. Something, anything that will let me know that I have not veered too far from the path He has assigned me. This season in my life is no exception. Today, more than ever, I pray for signs as I make some of the biggest decisions in my life.

This was a busy Lenten season. With so much to do to settle into my new home, my work, travel schedule and family, all of my attempts at meditation, prayer, sacrifice or even just going to church fell by the wayside. By Holy Week I felt terrible, some out of guilt but much more from a hunger to reconnect spiritually to my center and my source of strength. As the week progressed I was reminded of another Lenten season many years ago. I had been experiencing terrible anxiety and depression and felt completely overwhelmed. In a feeble attempt to reach out to God, I attended an early morning Tennebrae service at church. As I listened to the simple beauty of the chanting, I wept and prayed "Jesus forgive me for not being present for your death and resurrection this year". I was reassured of His great love when He said right back, "That's okay Alexie, I have been present for yours."

In a similarly simple yet profound fashion, Christ reminded me again this past Holy Thursday that He remains present as I seek His will in this new place. While cleaning out our backyard fire pit, John was surprised to find pieces of metal mixed in with the ash. He proceeded to pull the pieces from the pit until looking down at the growing pile he noticed what appeared to be a cross. Curious, John pulled it from the pile and found this...

Burnt and charred but otherwise intact this beautiful symbol of Christ crucified came to us this Holy Thursday. It hangs today in our new home as a constant SIGN. It reminds me that every new beginning is a "death and resurrection" of sorts and that God stands witness as I have the courage to be PRESENT to my own life...embracing all that comes...learning to trust His voice...and mine.

BIG HOUSE...little budget

My family and I moved into our first home just 4 months ago. We went from a small 1200 square foot apartment in the city to an almost 5000 square foot house. It is an amazing blessing and I thank God for it every day. I have found so much joy in making my home beautiful. I have the challenge of furnishing much more space than I have ever had in my life on a VERY SMALL budget. No budget at all to be honest. I am no designer but I am blessed to have a brother-in-law who is a very talented interior designer and a beautiful sister (Lisa) with impeccable taste. With their help and advice along with many issues of House Beautiful and Country Living and some of my own instincts, I am trying to make this huge house an intimate, comfortable and lovely place. Thrift stores, vintage shops, the Salvation Army (aka Sally's) and any place with a deal are my favorite places to shop. I will share what I am accomplishing for very little money as I go along. Today I want to focus on 4 of my favorite spaces.
First my bedroom...

It's really big so I am tackling a little at a time. The ceiling is VERY high so I tried this arrangement over the bed to give it some height.

These plates were a dollar each and my friend Lisa gave me the little ones. About $5 total.

I have always wanted a wrought iron bed but they are way too expensive. These are vintage iron window gates. I picked them up for $30 each. My dad painted them black and hung them for me. Love it!!

Our side tables were part of a Shaker bedroom set that we bought when we were married 12 years ago. New furniture was not an option so I sanded and stained these black and changed the knobs. About $20 total. I also love the lamps. I snagged them with my mom-in-law at a vintage shop for $20 each (the shades are silk!) SO pretty.

This is the sitting area next to my bed. I scored this very comfy chair for $15!! If you don't believe me, ask my girlfriend Sonali who was with me. The fabric was stained so I threw this lovely vintage crotchet spread over it (another vintage find for $30) and the throw was my son's baby blanket. The beautiful vase is courtesy of my dearest Lisa.

Next, my vanity...

My husband bought me this beautiful old vanity for Christmas. I remember having one as a little girl. I love that John thought of such a special gift for me.

Yes, I know I've gotten a little plate happy but I just love these bird plates that I have picked up over the past few months. If you can think of a cheaper way to fill in big wall space please let me know!!
John's sweet Uncle Bill gave me these antique carved cinnabar boxes. They belonged to his beloved late wife Aunt Pat. I cherish them.
John's Aunt Chris (who I just adore) gave me this antique Chinese lamp. It is so beautiful. The old mirror is VERY heavy and cost me about $20.
This was an ugly old lime green ottoman that I got for $18 bucks (I wish I had a before picture it was so gross). My mom and I reupholstered it in this pretty black toile (also snagged the fabric at a thrift store for $5 a yard..HELLO!) I am especially proud of my buttons and tufted top.

The little nook at the top of the stairs...

My mother-in-law took me to the sweetest thrift store where I got this lovely old dry sink for $50. It has lots of great storage and I love how it looks with pale blue pretty things!

Finally, my favorite place to relax...

I just love to take a nap on this great old chaise. My mom and I are slipcovering it. In the meantime, we found this great vintage fabric and backed it with chenille so that it's a comfy throw. So pretty and I love the pom poms!!

I just love all things red so I could not resist this little red cabinet.
It was $60 at a thrift store.
Been practicing with arrangements. My dad always teases me about how much I keep re-arranging this little table. The Shabby Chic candlestick is from Lisa (so generous is she). I am just loving pink Depression Glass these days and have picked up these two pieces for a total of $16. The lady at the thrift store told me the pitcher is very collectible. I paid $25 which is steep for me but I just loved the color and shape.

So these are a few of my favorite nooks. So many more to do!! Wish me luck and send along ideas and pointers if you have any.