Christ crucified showed up at my door

I jumped out of bed when the phone rang at 7:00am on Good Friday morning. It was my friend and colleague Juan Carlos calling with an urgent message. He was at our offices at Youth Ministries for Peace and Justice with our beloved friend and sister and her 5 children. They had been forced to flee their home at 3:00 in the morning. Their father had been arrested earlier that day on charges of domestic violence. Later that evening, unbeknown to our friend, he was released and was attempting to gain access to their apartment through the first floor window. Crawling on their hands and knees, the children gathered what they could throw in garbage bags and ran out to a waiting cab that their mom had called. They sped off and met Juan Carlos at our offices where tired and terrified they spent the last few hours of that night asleep on our office floor. As John got into the car to pick them up and bring them here, Juan Carlos mentioned that he had a commitment to walk the Way of the Cross in Manhattan later that morning. I said to him, "how hard is the Way that our sister and her family have been forced to walk, like their own long crucifixion". Juan Carlos replied, "yes...and soon Christ crucified himself will be knocking at your door". He arrived just a little while later....

He arrived at my door on that Good Friday

eyes swollen from a night of weeping...
heart racing from fear and terror...
longing for His father...
hanging with little more than the clothes on His back...
cursed, feared, judged and unwanted
a stranger..."illegal"
an immigrant...

Yesterday, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed some of the toughest immigration law in the country. Legislation that would directly and negatively impact people like my friend and her family. I know I open up a pandora's box of public opinion with this one and that is really not my intention. This is what is in my heart...It is easy to get sentimental about the cross on Good Friday...to get emotional as we venerate and kiss it at the evening service...to weep as we sing "Behold, behold the wood of the cross, on which is hung our salvation.." But I know this. The God of this universe does not exist within the constraints of time. Therefore, the crucifixion happens continually, every moment of every day. Every day Christ is crucified in the poor, in the suffering, in the marginalized. It may be easy to make assumptions about why people suffer, to determine what they should or should not have done, to prescribe what they could or could not have done to be in the situation that they are in. But when Christ crucified shows up at my door, on my corner, in my community this is my prayer. That I may have eyes to SEE Him that are not clouded by fear or judgment and that I may have a heart only to LOVE and SERVE Him...this is the true veneration of the cross.

Signs of His Presence

"You have made known to me the path of life;

you fill me with joy in your presence" Psalm 16:11

Trusting God, trusting myself and trusting that I am doing the right thing can be very difficult. I wish it were easier but it's not. So I often find myself asking God for signs. Something, anything that will let me know that I have not veered too far from the path He has assigned me. This season in my life is no exception. Today, more than ever, I pray for signs as I make some of the biggest decisions in my life.

This was a busy Lenten season. With so much to do to settle into my new home, my work, travel schedule and family, all of my attempts at meditation, prayer, sacrifice or even just going to church fell by the wayside. By Holy Week I felt terrible, some out of guilt but much more from a hunger to reconnect spiritually to my center and my source of strength. As the week progressed I was reminded of another Lenten season many years ago. I had been experiencing terrible anxiety and depression and felt completely overwhelmed. In a feeble attempt to reach out to God, I attended an early morning Tennebrae service at church. As I listened to the simple beauty of the chanting, I wept and prayed "Jesus forgive me for not being present for your death and resurrection this year". I was reassured of His great love when He said right back, "That's okay Alexie, I have been present for yours."

In a similarly simple yet profound fashion, Christ reminded me again this past Holy Thursday that He remains present as I seek His will in this new place. While cleaning out our backyard fire pit, John was surprised to find pieces of metal mixed in with the ash. He proceeded to pull the pieces from the pit until looking down at the growing pile he noticed what appeared to be a cross. Curious, John pulled it from the pile and found this...

Burnt and charred but otherwise intact this beautiful symbol of Christ crucified came to us this Holy Thursday. It hangs today in our new home as a constant SIGN. It reminds me that every new beginning is a "death and resurrection" of sorts and that God stands witness as I have the courage to be PRESENT to my own life...embracing all that comes...learning to trust His voice...and mine.

BIG HOUSE...little budget

My family and I moved into our first home just 4 months ago. We went from a small 1200 square foot apartment in the city to an almost 5000 square foot house. It is an amazing blessing and I thank God for it every day. I have found so much joy in making my home beautiful. I have the challenge of furnishing much more space than I have ever had in my life on a VERY SMALL budget. No budget at all to be honest. I am no designer but I am blessed to have a brother-in-law who is a very talented interior designer and a beautiful sister (Lisa) with impeccable taste. With their help and advice along with many issues of House Beautiful and Country Living and some of my own instincts, I am trying to make this huge house an intimate, comfortable and lovely place. Thrift stores, vintage shops, the Salvation Army (aka Sally's) and any place with a deal are my favorite places to shop. I will share what I am accomplishing for very little money as I go along. Today I want to focus on 4 of my favorite spaces.
First my bedroom...

It's really big so I am tackling a little at a time. The ceiling is VERY high so I tried this arrangement over the bed to give it some height.

These plates were a dollar each and my friend Lisa gave me the little ones. About $5 total.

I have always wanted a wrought iron bed but they are way too expensive. These are vintage iron window gates. I picked them up for $30 each. My dad painted them black and hung them for me. Love it!!

Our side tables were part of a Shaker bedroom set that we bought when we were married 12 years ago. New furniture was not an option so I sanded and stained these black and changed the knobs. About $20 total. I also love the lamps. I snagged them with my mom-in-law at a vintage shop for $20 each (the shades are silk!) SO pretty.

This is the sitting area next to my bed. I scored this very comfy chair for $15!! If you don't believe me, ask my girlfriend Sonali who was with me. The fabric was stained so I threw this lovely vintage crotchet spread over it (another vintage find for $30) and the throw was my son's baby blanket. The beautiful vase is courtesy of my dearest Lisa.

Next, my vanity...

My husband bought me this beautiful old vanity for Christmas. I remember having one as a little girl. I love that John thought of such a special gift for me.

Yes, I know I've gotten a little plate happy but I just love these bird plates that I have picked up over the past few months. If you can think of a cheaper way to fill in big wall space please let me know!!
John's sweet Uncle Bill gave me these antique carved cinnabar boxes. They belonged to his beloved late wife Aunt Pat. I cherish them.
John's Aunt Chris (who I just adore) gave me this antique Chinese lamp. It is so beautiful. The old mirror is VERY heavy and cost me about $20.
This was an ugly old lime green ottoman that I got for $18 bucks (I wish I had a before picture it was so gross). My mom and I reupholstered it in this pretty black toile (also snagged the fabric at a thrift store for $5 a yard..HELLO!) I am especially proud of my buttons and tufted top.

The little nook at the top of the stairs...

My mother-in-law took me to the sweetest thrift store where I got this lovely old dry sink for $50. It has lots of great storage and I love how it looks with pale blue pretty things!

Finally, my favorite place to relax...

I just love to take a nap on this great old chaise. My mom and I are slipcovering it. In the meantime, we found this great vintage fabric and backed it with chenille so that it's a comfy throw. So pretty and I love the pom poms!!

I just love all things red so I could not resist this little red cabinet.
It was $60 at a thrift store.
Been practicing with arrangements. My dad always teases me about how much I keep re-arranging this little table. The Shabby Chic candlestick is from Lisa (so generous is she). I am just loving pink Depression Glass these days and have picked up these two pieces for a total of $16. The lady at the thrift store told me the pitcher is very collectible. I paid $25 which is steep for me but I just loved the color and shape.

So these are a few of my favorite nooks. So many more to do!! Wish me luck and send along ideas and pointers if you have any.

Finding Her Here

I came across this poem on my 30th birthday. I loved it so much that I purchased it in poster form and had it framed for my office. It really spoke to me during that period of my life. I was single and longing for love and a family. I was full of excitement and energy as I had recently left my life of travel, adventure and corporate America behind to pursue what I felt was a call from God to come home to the South Bronx and serve my community. Little did I know all that lay ahead of me. Many years of ministry, countless travels, 12 years of marriage and two children later I came across it again. I found it in my office as I began clearing it out in preparation for my departure. Funny how life comes full circle. This is a familiar place for me. I have new longings and new beginnings and all along this road I continue "Finding Her Here".

Me then...

Me now...

Finding Her Here

Author: Jayne Relaford Brown

I am becoming the woman I've wanted,
grey at the temples,
soft body, delighted,
cracked up by life
with a laugh that's known bitter
but, past it, got better,
knows she's a survivor-
that whatever comes,
she can outlast it.
I am becoming a deep
weathered basket.

I am becoming the woman I've longed for,
the motherly lover
with arms strong and tender,
the growing daughter
who blushes surprises.
I am becoming full moons
and sunrises.

I find her becoming,
this woman I've wanted,
who knows she'll encompass,
who knows she's sufficient,
knows where she's going
and travels with passion.
Who remembers she's precious,
but knows she's not scarce-
who knows she is plenty,
plenty to share.

On mothers, daughters and roadmaps

I have never been much of a writer. Ask me to speak and that's a different story but I am extremely intimidated by the thought of others reading my work and it not being good enough. I have lots of fears like this. At this time in my life I am attempting to face down my giants. Those constant "I cant's " that keep me from being the best and happiest woman I can be. I have begun with writing because it is one of my biggest obstacles. This blog is my safe space to tackle this and many of my fears. It is also my place to express myself and the simple pleasures that fill my life.



I dedicate this blog to my spectacular daughter Grace. I never heard much about how to navigate life as a woman from my mom. Women of her generation just did not talk about these things. I want my Gracie to have some kind of a road map. Perhaps the best one I can offer her is the chance to stand witness to her mom's joys and pains. I pray that she will learn that it is okay to be happy and to struggle sometimes and that she will pass that to her own daughter someday.